Why Can"t We Just Settle the Divorce Ourselves? Part 6
Final article in a series of six
Divorce is hard and discussing a divorce settlement with our soon-to-be ex is harder. However, we can lighten our load in both departments by simply being aware of the trouble spots. Here, then, are this series' final two obstacles to watch out for.
Obstacle 8: Incoming! Incoming!
We have to realize the importance of handling our spouse's aggression. If we know how to prepare for this, we have a good chance of neutralizing its effect. How do we brace ourselves for this? We do it simply by expecting it. If you expect your spouse to cross the line, then you are prepared to handle it when they do.
A barrage of fury usually awaits all of us at the bargaining table. This is predictable. We should not be concerned about what our spouse says or does; how we respond to what's said and done is what should be important to us. We should accept our spouse's behavior as the first part of a dance that will lead us to settlement. It is better for your partner to blow off now rather than in the corridor in front of the courtroom.
We seem to feel that bracing ourselves for this onslaught is optional, when, in actuality, it is of paramount importance. Don't take your spouse's confrontational behavior personally. Instead, see it as a mere part of the whole settlement picture. It provides an excellent opportunity to show off your newfound poise. Welcome it.
We must anticipate some grief from our spouse and not allow ourselves to get bent out of shape when things start flying. Boxers do not flip out when they take a few punches; they expect it. The same is true when football players are tackled; it is part of the game.
It is, however, also very important that we do not underestimate how bad the aggression will be. We must expect the worst blast imaginable or we will instinctively respond with all the nastiness at our command. This reaction, of course, will cause the very delays that we are seeking to avoid.
Our goal is to dismantle our spouse's anger because angry people do not make deals. They fight.
Competitors in other endeavors know the importance of preparing for their event, so why don't we? The stakes in our contest are hardly unimportant; they involve our house, our kids, our pocketbooks, and our future. What makes us think we can just wing it and say whatever pops into our head? The answer is we cannot, and our expensive, overcrowded legal system proves this.
Be very careful of your first reaction. Anticipate that you will hear something that will infuriate you and be ready to deliver a non-offensive response.
Obstacle 9: Cogito, Ergo Sue 'em
I think, therefore I am [right].
Divorcing spouses do not see problems in the same way. In fact, they are usually arguing about two different things without realizing it. If they saw the underlying facts of their controversy in the same way, they probably wouldn't be in conflict to begin with.
Here's another way of saying it: most disputers think they are in conflict because they cannot agree on a solution. What they fail to realize is that the conflict exists because they cannot agree on what the problem is. We apply our thinking to a solution using facts that do not exist in the other party's mind. One party's "logic" can only be persuasive to someone who sees the facts in the same way that that party does. This does not occur as often as we need it to.
Instead of getting angry when our partner says no to our well-reasoned offer, we must remember that there is "more than one no." In other words, their "no" may not be in response to the way we see things. More likely, it is in response to how they see things. Before reacting, we have to find out what facts our spouse is addressing. Only then can we understand why they have given us a "no."
Ask yourself two questions: 1) What do they understand the underlying facts of the controversy to be? 2) Would their "no" be an acceptable answer to the set of facts that they are seeing?
Do not see their "no" as the end; see it as the beginning. It is merely as a sign that you have some more work to do. Settlement is a dance. It has successive steps and a challenging rhythm that cannot be rushed.
Divorce is hard and discussing a divorce settlement with our soon-to-be ex is harder. However, we can lighten our load in both departments by simply being aware of the trouble spots. Here, then, are this series' final two obstacles to watch out for.
Obstacle 8: Incoming! Incoming!
We have to realize the importance of handling our spouse's aggression. If we know how to prepare for this, we have a good chance of neutralizing its effect. How do we brace ourselves for this? We do it simply by expecting it. If you expect your spouse to cross the line, then you are prepared to handle it when they do.
A barrage of fury usually awaits all of us at the bargaining table. This is predictable. We should not be concerned about what our spouse says or does; how we respond to what's said and done is what should be important to us. We should accept our spouse's behavior as the first part of a dance that will lead us to settlement. It is better for your partner to blow off now rather than in the corridor in front of the courtroom.
We seem to feel that bracing ourselves for this onslaught is optional, when, in actuality, it is of paramount importance. Don't take your spouse's confrontational behavior personally. Instead, see it as a mere part of the whole settlement picture. It provides an excellent opportunity to show off your newfound poise. Welcome it.
We must anticipate some grief from our spouse and not allow ourselves to get bent out of shape when things start flying. Boxers do not flip out when they take a few punches; they expect it. The same is true when football players are tackled; it is part of the game.
It is, however, also very important that we do not underestimate how bad the aggression will be. We must expect the worst blast imaginable or we will instinctively respond with all the nastiness at our command. This reaction, of course, will cause the very delays that we are seeking to avoid.
Our goal is to dismantle our spouse's anger because angry people do not make deals. They fight.
Competitors in other endeavors know the importance of preparing for their event, so why don't we? The stakes in our contest are hardly unimportant; they involve our house, our kids, our pocketbooks, and our future. What makes us think we can just wing it and say whatever pops into our head? The answer is we cannot, and our expensive, overcrowded legal system proves this.
Be very careful of your first reaction. Anticipate that you will hear something that will infuriate you and be ready to deliver a non-offensive response.
Obstacle 9: Cogito, Ergo Sue 'em
I think, therefore I am [right].
Divorcing spouses do not see problems in the same way. In fact, they are usually arguing about two different things without realizing it. If they saw the underlying facts of their controversy in the same way, they probably wouldn't be in conflict to begin with.
Here's another way of saying it: most disputers think they are in conflict because they cannot agree on a solution. What they fail to realize is that the conflict exists because they cannot agree on what the problem is. We apply our thinking to a solution using facts that do not exist in the other party's mind. One party's "logic" can only be persuasive to someone who sees the facts in the same way that that party does. This does not occur as often as we need it to.
Instead of getting angry when our partner says no to our well-reasoned offer, we must remember that there is "more than one no." In other words, their "no" may not be in response to the way we see things. More likely, it is in response to how they see things. Before reacting, we have to find out what facts our spouse is addressing. Only then can we understand why they have given us a "no."
Ask yourself two questions: 1) What do they understand the underlying facts of the controversy to be? 2) Would their "no" be an acceptable answer to the set of facts that they are seeing?
Do not see their "no" as the end; see it as the beginning. It is merely as a sign that you have some more work to do. Settlement is a dance. It has successive steps and a challenging rhythm that cannot be rushed.
Source...