Finding and meeting a pretty woman is risky enough; I didn't know it could include jail time.
Note to Post Falls Police Department: If you read this I hope you have a sense of humor.
If you don't please understand that I have learned my lesson.
I know you were doing your job and there is nothing personal.
"Just business.
" I was waiting in line at the UPS store and a nice SUV pulls up.
In comes a woman who could easily be on the front cover of any magazine.
She was stunning and just a beautiful work of art.
I finished my business and walked by trying not to stare at her.
She probably has to deal with that all the time.
I admit it.
Sometimes I don't think things through all the way when my hormones start raging.
In fact, there is not one brain cell in my testosterone.
So being the typical single male in heat, I couldn't let this little mermaid just swim away.
I had to throw out a hook or something.
You never know, she may bite on it.
So I decided to write a little note on the back of my service plumbing business card.
You know, in case she wanted some plumbing repair.
I wrote on the card that she was very pretty and I hoped to meet her sometime.
That was it.
I stuck it on her windshield of her SUV.
Then I got into my mini van and left.
A couple of weeks later I get a knock at my apartment about 1:00 in the morning.
I was a single dad living alone.
I had just come back from my dad's funeral.
I wanted my 9-year-old son to stay with me over night.
I got up in my pajamas and bare feet to answer the door.
It's two cops standing at my front door! I'm still half asleep when I open up the door.
I figured they were just looking for someone.
So I opened the door.
ME: "Hi.
What's going on? Is there a problem?" COP: "Is your name Phil Pellerin?" ME: "Yes" Cop: "Can you step outside please?" ME: "Sure.
" So I stepped outside.
I figured they needed my help to find someone.
"What can I do for you?" COP: "Can you turn around please?" ME: "Umm...
Okay.
" When I turned around one of them put my arms behind my back and slapped some cold Post Falls cuffs on my wrists.
COP: "We have a warrant for your arrest.
" ME: "WHAT the HELL is going on?" Now I was wide-awake.
COP: "You failed to appear for a court date so a warrant was issued.
" ME: "What court date?" COP: "You were to appear in court on parking in a handicapped zone.
" ME: "That was months ago! I just forgot about the court date, but I paid the ticket that afternoon.
The clerk didn't say anything about a warrant.
" COP: "You can talk to the judge about it tomorrow.
" ME: "Guys.
Can't we just take care of this in the morning? This is not the way to handle it.
" COP: "No.
This is EXACTLY the way we handle it.
" ME: "I can't believe this.
My son is in there sleeping by himself.
I DO NOT want him to see me in cuffs.
What am I supposed to do with him?" COP: "We'll call someone to pick him up.
" ME: "Oh, my God.
You guys.
Can I at least get my shoes on? Please.
" COP: "Grab them quickly and get out here.
" I slipped into my untied work boots.
Then they escorted me out to their patrol car.
Naturally, I am pretty upset about this.
I have never been in trouble like this before and it was definitely weird.
A thousand things go through your head when you are in the back of a police car, sitting on a plastic seat, and feeling like a caged animal.
My main concern was to get my son Jacob back to his mom's house.
She lived a half hour away.
I was able to arrange a pick up for Jacob.
So my new cop friends and I waited in the car for someone to pick him up from my apartment.
ME: "This sucks.
I can't believe I am going to jail for a damn parking ticket!" COP: "Can I ask you something? Is this your card?" The cop pulls out the same business card that I stuck on the SUV of that cover girl lady.
"Did you put this on a woman's SUV a couple of weeks ago?" He said.
ME: "Uhh...
" Thinking.
"Yes.
I was just...
" COP: "That was a cop's wife.
We can't be too careful about stuff like that.
You understand.
Right?" ME: "Oh.
Wow.
That was a cop's wife?" COP: "Right.
" Great.
So now I am embarrassed and pissed off.
No telling what these guys are going to do to me next.
After someone came to pick up my son, the Post Falls best gave me a free ride to the county jail.
I am booked, finger printed, strip searched, and jailed.
The next morning I had a video hearing with the judge.
He set the bail at $2,500.
I could pay the bail and get out or plead innocent.
If I pleaded innocent, another trial would be set with a public defender.
It could take one to two weeks for that to happen.
In the mean time, I would have to stay in jail.
I didn't have $2,500.
None of my credit cards were active.
I didn't know anyone who had $2,500 dollars.
I didn't want to call my family.
I didn't want for them to deal with this on top of my dad dying.
I was in a mess and I didn't know how to get out of it.
The jail only allowed out going collect calls.
Almost everyone I knew had cell phones and besides I didn't have their numbers.
So I figured I would just rot in jail for a parking ticket and leaving a business card on an SUV.
My hair grew longer, my beard got rough, and I was getting hard.
Jail sucked.
I thought about getting a tattoo.
Maybe one of a wheel chair with a big Red X through it.
Yeah, it was 5 days of doing some hard time.
My pod had about 20 guys in it.
Most of the time the guys were out within 24 hours.
They just pleaded guilty to whatever the charge was and posted thousands of dollars in bail.
They would say and promise anything to get out of there.
I could hear them pleading with people on the phone to post bail for them.
They would yell at parents or ex-wives or whoever to front up the money.
I thought, 'what a bunch of damn babies.
' But what a business! Then there were the frequent fliers and jailhouse regulars.
They didn't like it there either but they knew the drill.
There were convicted felons, drug smugglers, and guys waiting to go to prison.
In jail the guys earned respect by how much of a bad ass they were.
Whoever did the most crime and time earned the highest rank.
Of coarse, I just stayed quiet and kept to myself...
till I died in there.
Finally, one of these high-risk prisoners was curious about me.
I was sitting at the table eating some jailhouse jello with my plastic spoon/fork.
Inmate: "Hey.
" (That's inmate code for 'how's it going?') Me: "Hey.
" Inmate: "What are you in for?" Me: "Parking in a handicapped space.
" Inmate: "You're in here for a parking ticket? That doesn't make sense.
What the hell did you do?" Me: "Well, I also hit on a cop's wife.
" Inmate: "Hmm, well that makes sense.
I feel sorry for you man.
What's your bail?" Me: "$2,500.
" Inmate: "$2,500! "What the hell are you doing here? Just post the damn bail.
All you need is 10% and you can get out of here.
Can't you get $250?" Me: I didn't want this high-ranking bad ass knowing that I had no clue about the 10%.
So I had to think fast.
"Yeah, I got it.
It's safer in here.
I have a lot of enemies on the outside.
" Inmate: "Yeah, I know what you mean.
" He gave me the inmate bump and walked off.
I was able to get in touch with my brother in California.
I told him I was in jail.
(He has learned to remain calm when I call from Idaho) I asked him if there was any way he could loan me $250 to post bail.
I'm glad he didn't ask too many questions.
He is such a great brother.
He bailed me out and saved me from a lifetime in prison.
Love Life Lessons:

1. Always watch for wedding rings.
   
2. If she is even friends with a cop get the hell out of there.
   
3. Don't place business cards on windshields no matter how cute she is.
   
4. Don't miss court appearances.
   
5. All you need is 10% of the bail.