7 Good Reasons Gays May Want to Avoid Gay Marriage
Gay marriage is one of the most polarizing topics, yet who with any decent level of compassion and understanding would reject a law allowing gays to have the same legal rights as straight people? It comes down to tolerance.
Alas, marriage is a terrible idea for gays, particularly when gay people try to imitate the traditional marriage model.
Why copy something that has a 50% + failure rate, and that's not including those who stay unhappily married? Here are 7 reasons gay couples should think twice about attempting to imitate the traditional marriage model.
1) Money: The concept of marriage was originally mostly about property rights, not love.
Now, with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, and many of those couples fighting it out in court over money, have things really changed very much? You don't know how your partner will react in 10 or 20 years if they don't feel their needs are being met.
Why complicate things by combining all your finances? 2) Monogamy: Before Stephen became a matchmaker, he was quite idealistic about romantic relationships.
By the time he sold the company in 1997, he had a much more thorough understanding of human nature and love relationships after interviewing people about their love lives, and observing 1000s of relationships.
One of the things he learned is that a sizable percentage (larger than you think) of people who assume they are the long-term, strictly monogamous type really are not.
Some don't know themselves well enough, some conform to keep the peace or get what they want, and some pretend they want strict monogamy for the rest of their lives for other reasons.
For a short period of time they can easily remain faithful, but eventually they will be miserable.
Traditional marriage doesn't take this into consideration.
In addition, gay men and men in general tend to be comfortable separating sex and love, allowing them physical contact without a deep emotional connection, and they have an innate drive for multiple partners.
Therefore, strict long-term monogamy may not be the best path for all gay couples.
Considering the high rate of cheating among heterosexual couples, apparently it's not the best idea for them either! Perhaps all couples would instead be better off focusing on complete honesty and safe-sex 100% of the time.
3) Religion: If you were hoping we would champion the religious themes often used against gay marriage, sorry, we're not going to do that.
Since religion originally had nothing to do with marriage, that argument is about as phony as an outspoken, anti-gay yet closeted preacher.
Our findings tell us that anti-gay sentiment will incur negative karma and result in future lives where the culprit will experience a similar circumstance, but as the victim, even for those who claim to be anti-gay in the name of religion.
4) One size does not fit all: The traditional marriage model encourages couples to conform to certain rules and customs which may not be compatible with one or both partners, gay or straight.
You don't need a certificate from the government to prove your love for each other or to anyone else.
5) Kids: Marriage used to be perceived as necessary before having children.
Is it really? In reality, parents trying to fit into the traditional marriage mold too often results in disharmony, which is toxic for kids.
If you want children, opt for what we call a "child contract" instead of a marriage contract.
This will, unlike marriage, put the child first, rather than the demands and expectations of a traditional, and potentially draining marriage.
It also financially protects the main caretaker of the child before having the child.
6) The marriage agenda: After witnessing so many agenda-minded women that straight male friends (including Scott) have dated being overly focused, in our opinion, on getting a ring on their finger, gays should be grateful (Stephen is!) they don't have to deal with that (though Stephen has known straight women who had him in their viewfinder- yikes!).
We can certainly understand why some women (and men) seek financial security through marriage, as it's easier to be a good parent when you don't need to worry about money.
But it takes the fun out of dating and it's annoying when every other person is too focused on their goal of getting married instead of simply getting to know someone and allowing the connection to be what it is naturally.
Dating for gay men is challenging enough and marriage would add yet another reason to stay single.
7) Marriage won't lock in happiness or guarantee you won't grow old alone: On the surface, marriage seems like a great idea, and of course it can be wonderful when two people are truly compatible.
But when you delve into the reasons why so many people become unhappy in their relationships, and you see these same reasons over and over with a majority of couples as we have with our work, the harmful effects of traditional marriage become obvious.
Getting married will never lock in or guarantee security, stability, or happiness.
Because of this, it seems reasonable that people should wait until after age 40 to marry so at least they will know themselves better when they make this life-long commitment.
It sure would be nice to see gay couples have the same legal rights as straight couples, and more people, no matter what their orientation, question whether getting married is really their best option.
Prediction: In 50 years people will look back and see the obsession with traditional marriage and the blocking of gay marriage as archaic and discriminatory.
Copyright © Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo
Alas, marriage is a terrible idea for gays, particularly when gay people try to imitate the traditional marriage model.
Why copy something that has a 50% + failure rate, and that's not including those who stay unhappily married? Here are 7 reasons gay couples should think twice about attempting to imitate the traditional marriage model.
1) Money: The concept of marriage was originally mostly about property rights, not love.
Now, with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, and many of those couples fighting it out in court over money, have things really changed very much? You don't know how your partner will react in 10 or 20 years if they don't feel their needs are being met.
Why complicate things by combining all your finances? 2) Monogamy: Before Stephen became a matchmaker, he was quite idealistic about romantic relationships.
By the time he sold the company in 1997, he had a much more thorough understanding of human nature and love relationships after interviewing people about their love lives, and observing 1000s of relationships.
One of the things he learned is that a sizable percentage (larger than you think) of people who assume they are the long-term, strictly monogamous type really are not.
Some don't know themselves well enough, some conform to keep the peace or get what they want, and some pretend they want strict monogamy for the rest of their lives for other reasons.
For a short period of time they can easily remain faithful, but eventually they will be miserable.
Traditional marriage doesn't take this into consideration.
In addition, gay men and men in general tend to be comfortable separating sex and love, allowing them physical contact without a deep emotional connection, and they have an innate drive for multiple partners.
Therefore, strict long-term monogamy may not be the best path for all gay couples.
Considering the high rate of cheating among heterosexual couples, apparently it's not the best idea for them either! Perhaps all couples would instead be better off focusing on complete honesty and safe-sex 100% of the time.
3) Religion: If you were hoping we would champion the religious themes often used against gay marriage, sorry, we're not going to do that.
Since religion originally had nothing to do with marriage, that argument is about as phony as an outspoken, anti-gay yet closeted preacher.
Our findings tell us that anti-gay sentiment will incur negative karma and result in future lives where the culprit will experience a similar circumstance, but as the victim, even for those who claim to be anti-gay in the name of religion.
4) One size does not fit all: The traditional marriage model encourages couples to conform to certain rules and customs which may not be compatible with one or both partners, gay or straight.
You don't need a certificate from the government to prove your love for each other or to anyone else.
5) Kids: Marriage used to be perceived as necessary before having children.
Is it really? In reality, parents trying to fit into the traditional marriage mold too often results in disharmony, which is toxic for kids.
If you want children, opt for what we call a "child contract" instead of a marriage contract.
This will, unlike marriage, put the child first, rather than the demands and expectations of a traditional, and potentially draining marriage.
It also financially protects the main caretaker of the child before having the child.
6) The marriage agenda: After witnessing so many agenda-minded women that straight male friends (including Scott) have dated being overly focused, in our opinion, on getting a ring on their finger, gays should be grateful (Stephen is!) they don't have to deal with that (though Stephen has known straight women who had him in their viewfinder- yikes!).
We can certainly understand why some women (and men) seek financial security through marriage, as it's easier to be a good parent when you don't need to worry about money.
But it takes the fun out of dating and it's annoying when every other person is too focused on their goal of getting married instead of simply getting to know someone and allowing the connection to be what it is naturally.
Dating for gay men is challenging enough and marriage would add yet another reason to stay single.
7) Marriage won't lock in happiness or guarantee you won't grow old alone: On the surface, marriage seems like a great idea, and of course it can be wonderful when two people are truly compatible.
But when you delve into the reasons why so many people become unhappy in their relationships, and you see these same reasons over and over with a majority of couples as we have with our work, the harmful effects of traditional marriage become obvious.
Getting married will never lock in or guarantee security, stability, or happiness.
Because of this, it seems reasonable that people should wait until after age 40 to marry so at least they will know themselves better when they make this life-long commitment.
It sure would be nice to see gay couples have the same legal rights as straight couples, and more people, no matter what their orientation, question whether getting married is really their best option.
Prediction: In 50 years people will look back and see the obsession with traditional marriage and the blocking of gay marriage as archaic and discriminatory.
Copyright © Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo
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