Dear Lesbian Life:

Please help me. My wife and I been together three years and married since this last March. We are 29 and our sex life in nonexistent. What's weird is she never starts sex with me ever but when things are at odds she always say I don't F**K her how she wants and I'm not spontaneous. I want sex always yet she never acts interested. We have sex once every few months. How do I become a freak in the sheets or what should I do?

Sexless in Cincinatti

Dear Sexless,

Here’s the thing I don’t understand about sex. Why do people put so much value on “spontaneity?” Yes, spontaneity is good. It can be fun to just be sitting around watching a movie and spontaneous start making out and that evolves into a hot love-making session on the couch. That’s all good.  But planning for sex can be just as good and fulfilling.

Yet, I’ve heard women say, that if you have to plan for it, then there’s something wrong.

Sex is Like a Great Vacation

Sex can be like a great vacation. You have to plan for it. You need to arrange the days off from work, get someone to take care of the pets, book the tickets and find a great place to stay. You even want to research some activities and maybe set up a few tours or sight seeing trips in advance.  When you arrive at your destination, most likely you’re happy you did the planning you did so that you have things set up and can enjoy your time.

There are also those moments on vacation that you happen upon with out planning.

That delicious bakery you wander into from the street, that road you take, not knowing where you will end up, the restaurant you decide to check out because someone you met on the street told you about it.

The planned and the unplanned parts of your vacation are both important and both can be equally rewarding and fun. The same is true for sex. The zip lining adventure you set up months ago can be just as exhilarating as the hidden beach you found when you took a wrong turn.

Spontaneous Sex Doesn't Have to be the Best Sex

Every sexual experience doesn’t have to be a like a midnight skinny dip. Sure, those kinds of adventures are fun and great to have,  and you need some of those in your sexual repertoire, but you also need the planned night of romance and seduction. 

There’s nothing wrong with making sex dates. Even “plans” for a sexy night can include moments of unexpected surprises and twists.

How to Satisfy Your Wife

What is your wife really saying? She’s saying she’s bored with how things are going and she wants to mix it up. What does she mean when she says you don’t sex her like she wants? Have you asked her what it is she wants you to do that you’re not doing? Does she have the words to tell you what she wants? Can she be vulnerable enough to let you know?

While I think it’s not fair that your partner brings up her dissatisfaction when things are at odds between you two, if you want this relationship to work, she has to be better at communicating what she wants from you.  And you have to be willing to try and give her what she wants.

If she’s unable to talk to you to your face about what she wants, have her write it out for you. She can write out a sexual scene she would like you both to enact.

Does she want you to take her from behind while she’s doing the dishes? Or does she want you to pull the car over and make out with her by the side of the road? Does she want it tender and sweet or passionate and hearty.  Is there a fantasy she wants to enact? You need to talk about this when you’re not angry and when you're not feeling defensive.

Make Time for Sex in Your Life

If you want to improve your sex life, you’ve got to make room for sex in your life. That means your partner needs to stop waiting for you to make a move, or when you do make a move, she needs to act interested.

Building confidence is the only way you’re going to become the freak in bed that you want to become. Your partner needs to help build that up by telling you all the things you do in bed that she likes and the things she’d like you to do in bed that she knows you’re going to be great at. It’s unfair of her to criticize, but not offer solutions. So, go ask her what she wants and how she wants it. And then get started. The only way to improve your sex life is to have sex. Try the suggestions out.

Finally, don’t give up if they seem awkward or uncomfortable at first. Any kind of change takes patience and practice.

 

Here’s more:

How to Initial Sex

How to Make the First Move

When you have different sex drives