Her illness had been so long.
She'd been practically immobilized for years.
Her beloved husband was gone and she was in pain "just sitting here.
" Now she was gone due to side effects of the medication which kept her pain somewhat under control.
As much as I was glad she was not in pain, I missed her.
I could no longer hear her voice or experience her touch.
In a family where most of the women live well into their 80s, if not 90s, Mom died two weeks after her 66nd birthday.
Her mother, at age 94, never knew due to Alzheimer's.
Being the primary caretaker for someone chronically ill, I spent most of my time juggling work, doctor's appointments, shopping and other "have to's" of hers and my grandmother's care.
At least my grandmother was being cared for in one of the best nursing homes in the state.
Mom, a woman with low blood pressure, had a massive stroke due to the side effects of the continuous use of steroids...
the only thing which kept her pain manageable.
My last "caretaking" was to work with the family to plan and organize the funeral.
It's been almost 15 years now since her passing.
She's out of pain and I still miss her.
I now think of all the things I could have done for her, but didn't because I was embroiled in the "have to's" of caring for her.
There was so much I now wanted to say to her that I didn't have time, energy and space to say before.
This is where the journaling technique of writing letters comes in.
Take 30 minutes and sit down with pen and paper and write a letter.
Write a variety of letters with different topics.
Some can be newsy letter of what happened in the day.
Mom and I used to call each other with jokes or funny stories we heard or read.
Sometimes I still have that impulse to pick up the phone and call...
and then I remember.
Tell the joke in the letter just like you would before.
And if you still shed a few tears years later, that's fine.
Other letters can be ones of regret.
"Dear Mom, I'm sorry I didn't think to read to you when you couldn't see the print any more.
Yes, we got the books on tape, but I now realize it would have been fun to read things to you and wander off into conversation.
" Whatever you want and need to share, write it down.
Then there can be letters about an unresolved issue...
or a secret never told...
an anger you need to release.
Journaling assists in moving the thoughts and feelings inside of you, onto the paper.
It helps you process what's going on.
You can release those buried feelings and thoughts, some of which you've hidden from yourself.
After you write the letters you can burn them and image the words wafting to the recipient on the smoke...
or mail them to a vacant lot without a return address so they end up in the dead letter file...
throw them away...
or keep them in a special place.
Just write.