Scene: in the interrogation room Ear Man (EM) is sitting across the table from the Police Commissioner (PC) PC: I never thought that such a day would come.
Why did you do it Ear Man? What possessed you commit all those burglaries? EM: The same thing which made you drink the bad milk this morning - desperation.
I can hear you stomach expanding.
PC: You were always the good guy.
What made you go on a crime spree like this? EM: Stop wriggling your toes inside your shoes.
I don't like squishy noises.
PC: Don't play games with me Ear Man.
We know that you were born with the greatest hearing ability that any man ever had, and you have used your keen sense of hearing to both fight and help us solve cases.
Tell me the truth! EM: There is no need to shout I have become a criminal not deaf.
Plus the stress of shouting is making your heartbeat irregular.
PC: Make this easy on yourself Ear Man.
Tell me what made you turn to a life of crime and rob all those places? EM: I did it for the money.
To become rich.
PC: Just to become rich? EM: I needed money to buy mansions, jewellery, planes, yachts, super cars, Playboy.
I wanted the lifestyle, I wanted all of it.
PC: Don't you mean a Playboy or did you mean a Game Boy? They are not so expensive.
Never mind that.
What made you become so desperate to get rich? EM: Not a Playboy.
Playboy the company, I wanted to buy the whole thing - the mansions, the parties all of it.
So that I would seem appealing to beautiful women.
PC: Appealing to women? EM: Beautiful women.
PC: You mean to tell me that super heroes are not appealing enough to get women? Come on Ear Man.
EM: Have you ever seen me with a beautiful woman? PC: No.
EM: That's my point.
PC: That's because we always figured that you were eh...
gay.
EM: Gay! Whatever made you think that I was gay? PC: Well we thought that because of the mask and cape, the form fitting costume, the tight white speedo over your pants...
plus you were always only seen with your sidekick so we figured that you were gay.
EM: I was never gay.
And he was nothing more than a sidekick.
PC: I still don't understand why? EM: Because beautiful women only go out with good looking or successful men.
PC: You were a crime fighting super hero for gods sakes! What's more successful than that? EM: Not any more.
Ever since I parted ways with my sidekick I have not been as successful in crime fighting as before.
And so I do not appeal to beautiful women now.
PC: Alright.
But why do you suddenly want to be with beautiful women? EM: Because I couldn't stand him anymore and left him.
And now I am lonely.
PC: You left him? I thought you said that you two weren't...
EM: I mean that I left him as my sidekick.
And because I was always with him I don't have any other friends now.
And because of what she said...
Bitch! Shrew! PC: Because he was a bitch and a Jew? EM: Shrew not Jew.
Her not him.
The wretched gremlin that he married.
PC: Why did you fall out with your sidekick? What happened? EM: She happened.
With her incessant bitching and bickering to him, of how he was not getting enough credit, how he was too good to be a sidekick and should try going solo, how the wives of other super heroes were attending cooler parties...
PC: Your sidekicks wife? EM: Yes, cold, calculative, snake tongued...
PC: Many a friendship has come to an end because the guy marries a skinny shrew.
What's so special in your case? EM: She just wouldn't stop, nagging him constantly.
And then he would act up with me, just to show her that he was doing something about her complaints.
He started making absurd demands that we should alternate being the first to arrive at the crime scene and how he should pay less for petrol for the Ear Mobile, because I had to go a long way after dropping him off and so it wasn't fair to split it evenly, how his costume should also have as much padding as mine...
It just ruined our working relationship and also our friendship.
So I broke up with him.
PC: What does this have to do with beautiful women? Couldn't you get a new sidekick? EM: Its not just that.
She had the audacity to say that I always hung out with him because I am a loser and could never get a woman like he did...
That dried up old bat! So I decided to get a woman, a beautiful woman by my side just to show her.
She looked like the offspring of a parrot and a pipe! PC: Even so you were a super hero.
What was the need to become a criminal? Super heroes have women falling all over each other to be with them.
EM: That's what you think.
Stereotypically all super heroes are expected to look good so they get the beautiful women.
Beautiful women only go out with good looking or successful people, it doesn't matter that they are super hero or not.
And if you are an average looking and not very successful super hero you stand no chance.
PC: That doesn't sound right.
Super heroes all have girlfriends.
No one cares how attractive they are.
EM: Super heroes get the 'girl next door' the 'plain Jane' types, they don't get beautiful women unless they are attractive.
That's the world we live in.
Why do you think that only Superman and Wonder Woman show their face and the rest of us Batman, Spiderman etc all wear masks? People don't even want to be rescued by non good looking heroes.
PC: Even if that is the case, couldn't you just try harder? I mean you could just lie to attract beautiful women, like the rest of us do.
After all a super hero need not be super even in his personal life.
Perhaps you could wear straighter looking costume you know? EM: My costume looks straight.
And even if it were straighter it wouldn't work.
I am telling you average guys stand no chance.
Beautiful women only go out with good looking or really successful heroes/villains.
Have you seen the hot 'vixens' that hang out with the villains? The rules are just not fair, if a hero is not good looking it reduces his appeal, however villains are expected to be ugly so it is OK for them and if they are good looking it's an added bonus.
That's why I wanted to become a successful super villain.
PC: I cannot believe that you gave up fighting for justice for such a small reason.
And the first thought that came to your mind was to go from super hero to successful super villain? EM: No this was not the first thought.
I felt that due to my powers of hearing I would have a natural edge in dating.
That women would appreciate that I would listen to them better then the others, that they would find me appealing due to this.
But alas beautiful women don't fall for just any old super hero.
No Matter how much I listened to them.
PC: Its a sad day.
The great Ear Man finally meets his match and falls because of beautiful women and not for a beautiful woman! EM: I have just temporarily lost.
But they will be the final losers, the beautiful women.
Remember with old age hair falls, the face falls, the chin falls.
The teeth will fall and all over the body cellulite will fall.
But only the ears remain upright and never fall.