Parenting Tips - Mind Your Words
Communication is the central part of any relationship and it greatly influences the adult-child relationship.
Let's have a look at how your choice of words will positively enhance your interactions with your children.
Threats 'Don't make me come after you' or 'If you do this one more time, you'll be sorry' are statements that fall into the category of threats.
They are intended to scare children into proper behavior.
Do they work? Not really.
On one side the reason that threats don't work effectively is that parents rarely follow through and so the kids come to expect that it won't happen anyway.
They might become scared of their parents as an effect of regular use of threats but still not feel the consistency in their words and actions, which therefore creates confusion.
Follow through In my experience of being a teacher I've collected evidence that when I followed through on a reasonable rule that I had set that the children in my class came to expect my reactions and therefore more often than not followed the rule.
It takes time and patience on both sides so don't expect them to know exactly what to do on the first go but be willing to hold up your rule.
There are two parts of following through: 1.
When you tell them something, good or bad, make sure you do it.
2.
Whether you discipline or punish your children you need to ensure they understand why they were disciplined AFTER you've followed through.
Follow through allows your children to trust and believe in what you say.
Explain why If you want to be effective in following through you need to follow these steps: 1.
Stop the action or behavior that is wrong immediately.
Don't pretend you don't see it.
2.
Having set a punishment (for example not being allowed to watch television for two days) follow through.
It's of utmost important to be in agreement with your partner on that so discuss this ahead of time and out of earshot from your child.
3.
Discuss with your child and find out whether they clearly understand the reason for punishment.
Let them explain it to you, if they can, otherwise explain it in their age-appropriate language.
Never assume it's obvious to them.
Differentiating behavior from person A parent must be very clear in their words to state that they love the child but not necessarily their behavior.
Statements like 'you are such a brat' or 'you are a very naughty and bad girl' will gnaw at their self-esteem when it is actually their behavior that we want changed.
Say only what you really mean 'If you don't stop this I will always leave you home alone when I go shopping!' Hopefully this doesn't happen but statements like this are very common and are not helpful.
All they do is that it teaches the child not to believe your threats.
If you speak a threat, think first and mean it, once you've sad it.
Only state threats when you're calm, otherwise it's very likely for them to go overboard which will make them less believable and harder to follow through.
Let's have a look at how your choice of words will positively enhance your interactions with your children.
Threats 'Don't make me come after you' or 'If you do this one more time, you'll be sorry' are statements that fall into the category of threats.
They are intended to scare children into proper behavior.
Do they work? Not really.
On one side the reason that threats don't work effectively is that parents rarely follow through and so the kids come to expect that it won't happen anyway.
They might become scared of their parents as an effect of regular use of threats but still not feel the consistency in their words and actions, which therefore creates confusion.
Follow through In my experience of being a teacher I've collected evidence that when I followed through on a reasonable rule that I had set that the children in my class came to expect my reactions and therefore more often than not followed the rule.
It takes time and patience on both sides so don't expect them to know exactly what to do on the first go but be willing to hold up your rule.
There are two parts of following through: 1.
When you tell them something, good or bad, make sure you do it.
2.
Whether you discipline or punish your children you need to ensure they understand why they were disciplined AFTER you've followed through.
Follow through allows your children to trust and believe in what you say.
Explain why If you want to be effective in following through you need to follow these steps: 1.
Stop the action or behavior that is wrong immediately.
Don't pretend you don't see it.
2.
Having set a punishment (for example not being allowed to watch television for two days) follow through.
It's of utmost important to be in agreement with your partner on that so discuss this ahead of time and out of earshot from your child.
3.
Discuss with your child and find out whether they clearly understand the reason for punishment.
Let them explain it to you, if they can, otherwise explain it in their age-appropriate language.
Never assume it's obvious to them.
Differentiating behavior from person A parent must be very clear in their words to state that they love the child but not necessarily their behavior.
Statements like 'you are such a brat' or 'you are a very naughty and bad girl' will gnaw at their self-esteem when it is actually their behavior that we want changed.
Say only what you really mean 'If you don't stop this I will always leave you home alone when I go shopping!' Hopefully this doesn't happen but statements like this are very common and are not helpful.
All they do is that it teaches the child not to believe your threats.
If you speak a threat, think first and mean it, once you've sad it.
Only state threats when you're calm, otherwise it's very likely for them to go overboard which will make them less believable and harder to follow through.
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