We'd like to begin by telling you to place your tongue firmly in your cheek.
While some of these ideas may appeal to the fruitcakes out there, be forewarned: We're just joshing you.
In other words, kids: Don't try this at home.
Comedian Joe Mande once told the story about the creepiest guy ever, the first person to drink milk - the lone caveman who discovered that the white stuff coming from a cow's udder was drinkable.
After that, before beer was invented, our brethren used to be known as hunter-gatherers.
They'd pretty much eat anything.
That's why we have an appendix.
This now mostly useless organ was the place where indigestible crap would end-up.
Things like pebbles and dirt.
21st Century People - Useless Hunter-Gatherers It's time to return to the jungle.
The Urban Jungle.
Other than scraping-up some fresh road kill, you need a guide of how you'll survive if you don't plan on using the 15-items-or-less check-out lane any more.
Throw on your loin cloth and hope you don't get busted for weirdness.
We're about to pick up the trail of stuff to eat now that we've forsaken the grocery store.
Take a look at the top three preys that are sure to please the palate.
Cats Hey, don't laugh.
Ever been to Korea or Vietnam? We put kitties at the top of the list because they're so much easier to nab than a rabbit or a rat.
Simply whistle a few bars from the Broadway play "Cats" and they'll come a runnin'.
Watch out for their claws.
After you've drained tabby of its vital fluids, give it a final bath.
Then boil 'em to loosen the skin.
Chop some small chunks rolled in seasoned bread crumbs fried-up in peanut oil.
A wonderful side order? Freshly mowed grass.
We prefer Perennial Ryegrass from the local golf course.
Serve with a white wine.
The Petting Zoo Wait until all the kiddies go home then hug a couple of goats under each arm.
The exercise will be an added benefit as you carry them back to Ted Kaczynski's hovel.
If he won't let you in, back at your apartment; send them to goat heaven by smacking them with monster-force in the back of the head.
Forget the front, it's too hard.
That's why goats butt heads with the front, dummy.
Slice-up a couple of racks of ribs and rub them down with salt and pepper.
Give them a high blast of heat for a half-hour, pour-off the fat, replace them with the meat-side down and slather 'em with some homemade B-B-Q sauce.
Continue cooking on low for two hours.
The meat will fall off the bones.
Nothing like a goat and a nice cold one.
The Fish Store Not the place where you buy filets, shrimp on ice or lobsters.
We're talking about the establishment that sells aquariums.
A little pre-prep: Take along a gallon zip lock bag.
Try to trip inside when the place is busy.
Find a nice fat couple of goldfish that would just end-up in a Koi Pond.
Bag the big boys, stuff them in your pants and pick-up some Panko crumbs on the way home.
Back at the flat, scale the creatures and take-out a nice big frying pan.
In another pot, boil some roots, smash them, layer the lightly oiled bigger pan with the mashed roots, some dried berries, butter and lay the strips of breaded goldfish atop the stuff.
Put a cover on it and bake for about a half-hour at 325-degrees.
A great side dish, boiled fern.
Serve with a Merlot or Red wine.
Don't forget to always bone your appetite.