Helping Your Children Cope At the End of Your Life
Updated January 29, 2013.
Talking with your children about your blood cancer can be one of the most difficult things about your illness. The need to protect our kids from pain, fear, and uncertainty is engrained deep within our genetics. When the time has come to shift the focus of your cancer care from cure to symptom relief, you may be once again at a loss for how to shield them from inevitable hurt.
The process of death and dying may be very emotional for everyone around you. You may be wondering how you can help you child to cope with what is to come, especially since you will not be there to provide comfort to them once your life is over.
It is very easy to get caught up in focusing on the end of your life and forgetting about the time that you have until then. This is especially true when emotions are running high with those around you. It is almost as though the mourning period begins before you have even passed away. Don’t let your death take away your life, if that makes any sense.
Continue to spend time doing regular enjoyable activities with your kids. While details like who got a new backpack at school, and excitement over the newest toy may seem trivial to you, especially under the circumstances, it isn’t trivial to your child. They crave the feeling that what is going on in their lives is as important to you as it is to them.
Taking photos and video of exciting activities as well as regular aspects of your life will help your child to recall their life with you in the future. Also make sure that other people take photos too! If you looked at my family pictures, you would never know my children have a mother- I’m always the one clicking away behind the camera! Here is a good rule of thumb. After every two pictures that you take, hand the camera to someone else and say “Take one of me!” Investing in some inexpensive disposable cameras may be a good idea. That way you can get strangers and passersby involved in capturing memories without fear of a stolen camera.
You might choose to tell the story of their birth or your years together. You could also include any advice or words of wisdom that you would like to pass on to them as they get older.
It might also be helpful to include, either in your letters or in a conversation with your child, a message that it is okay for them to form an attachment with other adults and that they should not feel guilty or disloyal to you by creating new bonds.
Develop a book for each child with photos, notes, memories or funny stories about life events. Include details about your feelings, likes and dislikes. Depending on the age of your child, this may be an opportunity to share and discuss events with your child now, as well as provide a connection to your later on in their life.
Most of us hope that that is what our funeral would be like. Close friends and loved ones, coming together and celebrating the life you had. They would tell stories about you, share some laughs, talk about what your strengths were. Unfortunately, funerals have a tendency to turn into somber events with a good deal of tears and sadness. So why not celebrate while you are still here? Ask attendees to bring along pictures of you past and present, and maybe write or say a few words about your relationship with them. These kinds of details will help your children to discover what you were like as a person and understand a different perspective on your character.
This could be a sealed envelope, box or other container with instructions on when your child should open it. Some suggestions might be on their wedding day, on the birth of their first child, on their 30th birthday, or just a random future date. Include objects that are relevant today that would be significant on that date, as well as a few words that you would say to them if you were actually there.
A number of these activities are designed to help your child cope with your death after it happens. It is also important for you to communicate with them in the present. Talk with them about their understanding of death and dying, and what their feelings and fears are. Above all, let them know that they are loved and that they will continue to be cared for, even after you are gone.
The way that your child experiences your death will shape their beliefs and relationships throughout their life. The best way you can help your child cope with your death is to support them and continue to enjoy and savor the time you have left together. In helping your children come to terms with the end of your life, you may also find comfort and closure for your own self in knowing that you will continue to help and guide them, even after you are gone.
Sources
Stern, T., Sekeres, M. (2004) Facing Cancer. McGraw-Hill: New York.
Talking with your children about your blood cancer can be one of the most difficult things about your illness. The need to protect our kids from pain, fear, and uncertainty is engrained deep within our genetics. When the time has come to shift the focus of your cancer care from cure to symptom relief, you may be once again at a loss for how to shield them from inevitable hurt.
The process of death and dying may be very emotional for everyone around you. You may be wondering how you can help you child to cope with what is to come, especially since you will not be there to provide comfort to them once your life is over.
Live your life until the end.
It is very easy to get caught up in focusing on the end of your life and forgetting about the time that you have until then. This is especially true when emotions are running high with those around you. It is almost as though the mourning period begins before you have even passed away. Don’t let your death take away your life, if that makes any sense.
Continue to spend time doing regular enjoyable activities with your kids. While details like who got a new backpack at school, and excitement over the newest toy may seem trivial to you, especially under the circumstances, it isn’t trivial to your child. They crave the feeling that what is going on in their lives is as important to you as it is to them.
Take photos.
Taking photos and video of exciting activities as well as regular aspects of your life will help your child to recall their life with you in the future. Also make sure that other people take photos too! If you looked at my family pictures, you would never know my children have a mother- I’m always the one clicking away behind the camera! Here is a good rule of thumb. After every two pictures that you take, hand the camera to someone else and say “Take one of me!” Investing in some inexpensive disposable cameras may be a good idea. That way you can get strangers and passersby involved in capturing memories without fear of a stolen camera.
Write letters to your children or keep a journal.
You might choose to tell the story of their birth or your years together. You could also include any advice or words of wisdom that you would like to pass on to them as they get older.
It might also be helpful to include, either in your letters or in a conversation with your child, a message that it is okay for them to form an attachment with other adults and that they should not feel guilty or disloyal to you by creating new bonds.
Create a scrapbook.
Develop a book for each child with photos, notes, memories or funny stories about life events. Include details about your feelings, likes and dislikes. Depending on the age of your child, this may be an opportunity to share and discuss events with your child now, as well as provide a connection to your later on in their life.
Have a celebration of your life
Most of us hope that that is what our funeral would be like. Close friends and loved ones, coming together and celebrating the life you had. They would tell stories about you, share some laughs, talk about what your strengths were. Unfortunately, funerals have a tendency to turn into somber events with a good deal of tears and sadness. So why not celebrate while you are still here? Ask attendees to bring along pictures of you past and present, and maybe write or say a few words about your relationship with them. These kinds of details will help your children to discover what you were like as a person and understand a different perspective on your character.
Create a time capsule.
This could be a sealed envelope, box or other container with instructions on when your child should open it. Some suggestions might be on their wedding day, on the birth of their first child, on their 30th birthday, or just a random future date. Include objects that are relevant today that would be significant on that date, as well as a few words that you would say to them if you were actually there.
Communicate with your child.
A number of these activities are designed to help your child cope with your death after it happens. It is also important for you to communicate with them in the present. Talk with them about their understanding of death and dying, and what their feelings and fears are. Above all, let them know that they are loved and that they will continue to be cared for, even after you are gone.
Summing it Up
The way that your child experiences your death will shape their beliefs and relationships throughout their life. The best way you can help your child cope with your death is to support them and continue to enjoy and savor the time you have left together. In helping your children come to terms with the end of your life, you may also find comfort and closure for your own self in knowing that you will continue to help and guide them, even after you are gone.
Sources
Stern, T., Sekeres, M. (2004) Facing Cancer. McGraw-Hill: New York.
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