A Lesbian Break Up
"I am not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I am not supposed to live my life wishing you were there.
I am not supposed to wonder where you are or what you are doing, but I can not help it, because I am in love with you.
" Still.
Breaking up is so painful and there is no quick and easy way to do it or get over it.
One of the biggest struggles we all deal with as individuals and why so many enter into therapy is dealing with Loss.
We become attached and start to have a sense of belonging.
We grow roots into each other, and it does not matter if it is a friend or a lover, it hurts when we are ripped away.
I've often described break ups like a death, because what once was is no more and cannot be the same ever again.
I think it so painful when Lesbians do break up because we are emotionally driven and form such a unique bond with each other; you mix sex with that and it is a whole different level.
Not to say that any other group would feel less pain or that all women feel that way, I do not know, all I can do is describe how it feels in a generalized sense from a woman to woman perspective.
Sometimes we can remain friends, in fact in our community we really try too.
It is very common in lesbian circles that your best friend at some point was your ex-lover, and if that works for you that is fine.
It sometimes can make the separation all the more painful and difficult.
Sometimes walking away and readjusting to change is far healthier and vital for a new future relationship.
The past, if kept to close can bring about doubt and guilt.
The longer you have been with someone the more history, but that does not mean you need to hold on to it like it belongs to you.
In fact, that is where people get lost and hopeless.
Why do we have such a difficult time letting go? Well because some people have an unconscious (sometimes very conscious!) belief that people belong to them.
When I was growing up and had one of my first heart breaks my mother asked me what I was so upset about, I told her "I thought we always would be there for each other, I thought she was mine and I was hers.
" My mother looked at me and asked "Is she an object? Did you purchase her? Did God give her to you?" "No! Of course not.
" "Well then can people belong to us and when they were with you did they really belong to you?" Of course I said "Yes, if you tell me that then I believe you.
" "Well, then for how long?'' I started getting frustrated "I don't know, for as long as you tell me, maybe forever!" My mother smiled and taught me some important principles that day that I would like to share with you.
That day I learned there is no forever because we die, and everything comes to a full circle like the planets circling the sun.
That day I learned we only share each other in moments, and that for different reasons those moments will end or change and may begin again but should never be with the intention of ownership but shared love and respect.
I learned that loss happens in stages and that my journey in life is a little like sitting on a log and going with the flow of a river, I have to submit to the journey.
I don't get to set the journey, I just need to decide that I will take it and the experiences it has to offer.
I tell my clients this all the time, "You can get off the log and try to control the mighty river of life, and you will drown from fatigue (which usually looks like depression, substance abuse, and hopelessness) or you can stay on the log and just believe.
You believe that things will happen and that the journey will be hard but knowing that in between those moments of hardship there will be a return for a while to more peaceful times.
" Here are some things you can do to ease the pain of loss: •Spring clean and redecorate change your home around, make it new a fresh.
Make it yours again! •Get rid of her clothes left behind (and anything else.
) •Bring your friends close.
Go for coffee, dinner, and cry to them.
My thing is I call my best friends and I will say "Give me 10 minutes, I just need to cry it out and know your on the other side.
" •Write your feeling, thoughts, and wishes.
Even write a good-bye letter and burn it (trust me on this one it feels so good).
•Be kind and patient with yourself.
I have that written down on my mirror with a crayon.
So I never forget my worth to myself and others.
Being a lesbian is isolating at times, especially in a small city with such a small availability of support, it can be extremely lonely.
If any of you have watched If These Walls Could Talk 2, you know what I mean when I say people just don't always get why we hurt so bad when we are left.
I mean after all we are gay and we can just easily find some other woman, right? The bond a homosexual relationship has when developed and/or broken can often be overlooked by the straight community because of the lack of understand of same-sex couples, it's not that easy! People don't always get that our choices are limited and that we become not only lovers, but a family member and a best friend.
When society, families and communities have shut us out sometimes our lover is the only person that gets us and is standing beside us in our time of need.
If anyone is ever interested in starting a social or support group for lesbians in their Community, I encourage you to do so, maybe we can bridge the gap so we can support each other in the future further.
Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru
I am not supposed to wonder where you are or what you are doing, but I can not help it, because I am in love with you.
" Still.
Breaking up is so painful and there is no quick and easy way to do it or get over it.
One of the biggest struggles we all deal with as individuals and why so many enter into therapy is dealing with Loss.
We become attached and start to have a sense of belonging.
We grow roots into each other, and it does not matter if it is a friend or a lover, it hurts when we are ripped away.
I've often described break ups like a death, because what once was is no more and cannot be the same ever again.
I think it so painful when Lesbians do break up because we are emotionally driven and form such a unique bond with each other; you mix sex with that and it is a whole different level.
Not to say that any other group would feel less pain or that all women feel that way, I do not know, all I can do is describe how it feels in a generalized sense from a woman to woman perspective.
Sometimes we can remain friends, in fact in our community we really try too.
It is very common in lesbian circles that your best friend at some point was your ex-lover, and if that works for you that is fine.
It sometimes can make the separation all the more painful and difficult.
Sometimes walking away and readjusting to change is far healthier and vital for a new future relationship.
The past, if kept to close can bring about doubt and guilt.
The longer you have been with someone the more history, but that does not mean you need to hold on to it like it belongs to you.
In fact, that is where people get lost and hopeless.
Why do we have such a difficult time letting go? Well because some people have an unconscious (sometimes very conscious!) belief that people belong to them.
When I was growing up and had one of my first heart breaks my mother asked me what I was so upset about, I told her "I thought we always would be there for each other, I thought she was mine and I was hers.
" My mother looked at me and asked "Is she an object? Did you purchase her? Did God give her to you?" "No! Of course not.
" "Well then can people belong to us and when they were with you did they really belong to you?" Of course I said "Yes, if you tell me that then I believe you.
" "Well, then for how long?'' I started getting frustrated "I don't know, for as long as you tell me, maybe forever!" My mother smiled and taught me some important principles that day that I would like to share with you.
That day I learned there is no forever because we die, and everything comes to a full circle like the planets circling the sun.
That day I learned we only share each other in moments, and that for different reasons those moments will end or change and may begin again but should never be with the intention of ownership but shared love and respect.
I learned that loss happens in stages and that my journey in life is a little like sitting on a log and going with the flow of a river, I have to submit to the journey.
I don't get to set the journey, I just need to decide that I will take it and the experiences it has to offer.
I tell my clients this all the time, "You can get off the log and try to control the mighty river of life, and you will drown from fatigue (which usually looks like depression, substance abuse, and hopelessness) or you can stay on the log and just believe.
You believe that things will happen and that the journey will be hard but knowing that in between those moments of hardship there will be a return for a while to more peaceful times.
" Here are some things you can do to ease the pain of loss: •Spring clean and redecorate change your home around, make it new a fresh.
Make it yours again! •Get rid of her clothes left behind (and anything else.
) •Bring your friends close.
Go for coffee, dinner, and cry to them.
My thing is I call my best friends and I will say "Give me 10 minutes, I just need to cry it out and know your on the other side.
" •Write your feeling, thoughts, and wishes.
Even write a good-bye letter and burn it (trust me on this one it feels so good).
•Be kind and patient with yourself.
I have that written down on my mirror with a crayon.
So I never forget my worth to myself and others.
Being a lesbian is isolating at times, especially in a small city with such a small availability of support, it can be extremely lonely.
If any of you have watched If These Walls Could Talk 2, you know what I mean when I say people just don't always get why we hurt so bad when we are left.
I mean after all we are gay and we can just easily find some other woman, right? The bond a homosexual relationship has when developed and/or broken can often be overlooked by the straight community because of the lack of understand of same-sex couples, it's not that easy! People don't always get that our choices are limited and that we become not only lovers, but a family member and a best friend.
When society, families and communities have shut us out sometimes our lover is the only person that gets us and is standing beside us in our time of need.
If anyone is ever interested in starting a social or support group for lesbians in their Community, I encourage you to do so, maybe we can bridge the gap so we can support each other in the future further.
Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru
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