Relationship Advice For Women - Diagnosing Problems in Your Marriage
It is amazing to me, how we will spend so much time checking out the latest pair of jeans at our favorite store, or how much time is invested in finding, comparing and purchasing a computer with the best peripherals. But when you look at the amount of time or energy we spend exploring the health of our relationships, it is almost zero. We assume that things are fine, until there is a problem.
A good analogy for our behaviour is how we treat our cars. Some people hours and hundreds or thousands of dollars fixing up their car until it looks better than new. Then there are those who completely neglect their ride, they forget to change the oil, never go for a tune up, have no idea what an air filter is or does, and it hasn't been washed or cleaned in months or even years. The car looks much older and more worn out than it should.
So which owner do you think is going to have problems? Which car is going to run like new, and which one will you have to worry may not get you to next stop light? Just like a car needs regular maintenance, if you want your relationship to move along worry free, your going to have to put in some time and effort.
Relationship Advice - Time for a Check Up!
How do you do regular maintenance on your relationship? It starts with a game plan. You and your mate can decide to "check-in" once a week, every two weeks, or monthly. Whatever works best for your situation? Put it on your calendar just like any other important event. If you don't write it down, you may forget it, and forget it for a long time. This is as important as any event you put on your calendar, so JUST DO IT!
Plan to talk at least half an hour, with a 10 minute overtime, if needed. This will allow enough time to cover the important points so the woman are happy, and it's short enough that the men don't get frustrated. It's important time for each of you to really listen and give it your best No T.V. or radio. Send the kids outside or put them to bed. Don't answer the phone and ignore the doorbell. This is your time as a couple.
The Game Plan
To start, do a check in exercise. Let your partner know the positive things you noticed in the relationship. Little things count - remember you are trying to improve your partnership. Studies have shown that there is a 5:1 ratio between positive and negative. That means that you can say 5 positive things to your mate, and then 1 negative will wipe out the 5 positive. Negatives have that much weight!
Next, move to areas that could be improved. It is important to remain positive if you expect to get anywhere. As an example, you might word suggestions like "I really appreciate how you're helping with the dishes; if you could help me with supper some nights, which would really help me out". You would not get the same result if you said "You're still not helping with the dishes; and I'm tired of being the one who always cooks!"
When you're ready, move on to some of the needs you may have. It's okay to tell your mate about your needs. We all have needs, and want them to be respected, and hopefully met. You do not have the right to demand your needs are met. However, how you ask will go a long way in getting them addressed by your mate. Asking "I" statements are really important. Something like "I would feel better if when I cooked supper, that you said thank you and helped me clean up". By not demanding, you allow your mate to process this information, and maybe come to a realization that these are important to you. He may not even know.
Finally, if you have had a conflict recently, this may be a good time to talk about it. However, if emotions are still running high about the issue, it may be best to wait until the next check-up time. It is important to deal with the conflict, and not leave it unresolved, as it never fails to come up again. It being dragged up during the next conflict can make the situation even worse.
Once you have an understanding of each other's perspectives, you can come to some kind of understanding or compromises. Sometimes, you realize that if you had seen it in the same way as your mate, there would not have been a conflict in the first place. Better communication between you is the goal of this exercise.
Finally, if there is time leftover, you might talk about things you want to watch for until your next check in. It is always good to be aware of things that may catch either of you of guard, and lead to future issues.
A good analogy for our behaviour is how we treat our cars. Some people hours and hundreds or thousands of dollars fixing up their car until it looks better than new. Then there are those who completely neglect their ride, they forget to change the oil, never go for a tune up, have no idea what an air filter is or does, and it hasn't been washed or cleaned in months or even years. The car looks much older and more worn out than it should.
So which owner do you think is going to have problems? Which car is going to run like new, and which one will you have to worry may not get you to next stop light? Just like a car needs regular maintenance, if you want your relationship to move along worry free, your going to have to put in some time and effort.
Relationship Advice - Time for a Check Up!
How do you do regular maintenance on your relationship? It starts with a game plan. You and your mate can decide to "check-in" once a week, every two weeks, or monthly. Whatever works best for your situation? Put it on your calendar just like any other important event. If you don't write it down, you may forget it, and forget it for a long time. This is as important as any event you put on your calendar, so JUST DO IT!
Plan to talk at least half an hour, with a 10 minute overtime, if needed. This will allow enough time to cover the important points so the woman are happy, and it's short enough that the men don't get frustrated. It's important time for each of you to really listen and give it your best No T.V. or radio. Send the kids outside or put them to bed. Don't answer the phone and ignore the doorbell. This is your time as a couple.
The Game Plan
To start, do a check in exercise. Let your partner know the positive things you noticed in the relationship. Little things count - remember you are trying to improve your partnership. Studies have shown that there is a 5:1 ratio between positive and negative. That means that you can say 5 positive things to your mate, and then 1 negative will wipe out the 5 positive. Negatives have that much weight!
Next, move to areas that could be improved. It is important to remain positive if you expect to get anywhere. As an example, you might word suggestions like "I really appreciate how you're helping with the dishes; if you could help me with supper some nights, which would really help me out". You would not get the same result if you said "You're still not helping with the dishes; and I'm tired of being the one who always cooks!"
When you're ready, move on to some of the needs you may have. It's okay to tell your mate about your needs. We all have needs, and want them to be respected, and hopefully met. You do not have the right to demand your needs are met. However, how you ask will go a long way in getting them addressed by your mate. Asking "I" statements are really important. Something like "I would feel better if when I cooked supper, that you said thank you and helped me clean up". By not demanding, you allow your mate to process this information, and maybe come to a realization that these are important to you. He may not even know.
Finally, if you have had a conflict recently, this may be a good time to talk about it. However, if emotions are still running high about the issue, it may be best to wait until the next check-up time. It is important to deal with the conflict, and not leave it unresolved, as it never fails to come up again. It being dragged up during the next conflict can make the situation even worse.
Once you have an understanding of each other's perspectives, you can come to some kind of understanding or compromises. Sometimes, you realize that if you had seen it in the same way as your mate, there would not have been a conflict in the first place. Better communication between you is the goal of this exercise.
Finally, if there is time leftover, you might talk about things you want to watch for until your next check in. It is always good to be aware of things that may catch either of you of guard, and lead to future issues.
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