So why do we do it? For what reasons do so many gays and lesbians get married to those of the opposite sex? No one knows exactly what percentage of traditional marriages include a gay spouse, but it is quite common to find lesbians and gays who were formerly married.
The consequences of these unions are usually tragic and heart-wrenching, but we don't realize that when embarking on the marriage path.
We think we can control our gayness.
We think we can beat it.
We think we can save ourselves.
So, are we stupid? Is it some inherent form of masochism? The answer is really rather simple.
We do it because we are basically good people.
We are people who want to fit in.
We want to be homogenized (so to speak) into the fabric of society.
We want to have families.
We want to do what is expected of us.
We want to be good citizens.
And society tells us exactly what behavior is acceptable and what is not.
From the day your first Barbie or GI Joe is handed to you as a child, you are on your way--from the high school prom to the inevitable question from Aunt Rose at the Thanksgiving table, "So when are you getting married?" Every boy and girl in this society knows exactly what constitutes acceptable and expected behavior in terms of sexuality.
We are also taught to avoid and fear unacceptable behavior.
The cruel locker room teasing, the whispered stories about Uncle Bob and his friend, and the preachers' lectern all have their impact.
The general message is that gay is bad, is immoral, is hedonistic.
Laws uphold this position.
In 42 states one can be fired for being gay.
Despite the shortage of soldiers, people continue to be discharged from the military for being gay.
In 25 states it is still against the law for gays to be intimate with their partner.
As gay people, we examine ourselves when we are young adults and we conclude, "That's not me.
That is not what I am about.
I work hard.
I am a good citizen.
I love my family.
I am a good person.
" This is the time in our lives that we do make a choice.
The choice is not whether we will be gay or straight.
That is ludicrous.
After all, when do heterosexuals sit down and choose their orientation? They don't...
it never even crossed their mind.
It is the same for us...
preordained.
No, the choice we make is whether to act on being gay, or not.
Those of us who choose heterosexual marriages decide to ignore the gay part of ourselves.
We choose acceptance over segregation.
We want to please our families and society by doing the "right" thing.
We have listened to the messages of society and we want to live the way we have been taught to live.
Furthermore, we receive substantial support for our decision: from the church, from our families and from society itself.
There is a ceremony; there is a celebration.
There are laws to protect our rights as spouses.
There are monetary benefits.
There is a tremendous support network if you are straight and married.
There is only one problem.
It is not sustainable.
Of course we do not realize this at the start.
We are busy setting up households, making ends meet, having and raising children.
We are diverted.
We are occupied.
Then over time, we find something profound is missing in our lives, which grows and eventually overwhelms us.
It is the need for a mature connection with another human being.
We find our spouses unable to fill this need and realize that fate has outsmarted us.
We find we have been betrayed by society's messages and teachings.
We discover that society doesn't have a clue and that the rules have been written by the majority, who fears and is threatened by us simply because we are different.
We seek out those like ourselves for validation and we discover that the lessons we learned about gay people as children are twisted and ill-informed.
We realize the path we have chosen, while adorned with the rewards of family and home, was not ours to take.
And, still being the good people that we started out as, we try to backpedal and fix it.
Some of us try to live a half life, moving between two worlds--trying to maintain scarred marriages while having a same-sex relationship.
It is a difficult path, often pitted with guilt and pain for both spouses.
Others of us realize that our misery in our marriages would be more damaging to our children and spouses than the separation of the family would be.
We get divorces and start new lives.
We seek to authenticate ourselves.
We free our spouses to do the same.
We accept the consequences of ridicule and humiliation.
We leave security and safety to face an uncertain future.
We do this, because, in the end, we discover we never really had a choice at all.
In the end, it is the tremendous pressure of society against homosexuals that is the root cause of all this marriage misery...
and those attitudes can be changed, over time.
So, how exactly does society begin to change? Usually, it is with those closest to us.
Those whom we love and who love us: friends and family.
It is admittedly difficult.
It requires a great deal of maturity and wisdom and depth of understanding on the part of our loved ones.
It may stretch their limits of forgiveness and require them to put aside the past.
It requires them to look beyond their own inner experience and imagine that we can feel things differently and that ours is a valid way of life also.
The work does not stop there.
It is also time to raise children who are without prejudice and bigotry of any kind, so that they will neither find themselves in this position when they come of age, nor drive another into it.
Personally, I have been blessed.
As I have navigated the intimidating process of coming out, I have not only maintained my existing friendships, but I have gained the support and understanding of my family, including my children, ex-spouse and parents.
As I can attest, it has facilitated the healing process and has made life easier, happier and more open for everyone.
Hopefully at some future time, every gay and lesbian person will have a similar experience.