Most child raising books and internet sites still promote time-outs as an effective discipline tool because it 'gives your child an opportunity to learn to cope with frustration and modify his behavior.
This sounds good in theory but, as most parents find out, this is a very ineffective technique for most people.
Why don't timeouts work? 1) It requires parents to delay discipline until the child is old enough to accept time-outs which is at about 3 years old.
So that is a crucial 2 years of training that is missed when parents can establish their authority.
2) Parents run the risk of looking ineffectual and foolish when the toddler runs away or wiggles or screams or sits when you said stand or vice versa.
Parents lose authority when it becomes clear to a child that mum and dad aren't in charge.
3) The lesson the parent is trying to teach is often lost because of the delay in getting the child to do the time-out.
4) Time-outs can last too long in relation to the offense for young ones or not long enough with older children.
It is difficult to get the balance right.
Experts say a time-out shouldn't last more than 30 secs until a child is 3 but what can a toddler learn in 30 seconds? It takes that long to hold them still! The only technique that works with small children is a firm tap on the hand or bottom by a loving, calm parent.
That is the reason it has been used for so many generations.
When to start discipline Baby experts suggest holding off on discipline until your child understands what's acceptable and not (somewhere around the third birthday).
In the meantime, they recommend childproofing your home to reduce opportunities for mischief and use distraction to redirect your child to more suitable activities.
This strategy is a flawed one.
Letting your child have the run of your home - and you- for three years and then turning around and saying 'now you have to listen to me' is a recipe for a battle of wills.
Discipline is an essential part of parenting: it builds firm boundaries for children, making them feel safe and trusting, and it leads to children being able to discipline themselves which is an essential quality for being a mature, responsible adult.
Children will not learn these boundaries through parents AVOIDING discipline.
Establishing your authority before the child reaches an age to rebel is sensible and the early years are a perfect time to teach your child to listen to you and to realize that there are rules.
Childproofing your home so your child is not in danger is essential, of course, but removing opportunities for mischief and distraction means removing opportunities for teaching an early but crucial first lesson - 'YES/NO'.
By the time he is a toddler, he will already have mastered several rules and some manners.
By the time he is three, he will be used to following your authority and will already know the boundaries of behavior required in his home.
The need to combine timeouts with other disciplinary measures It is hard to avoid the conclusion that timeouts are an ineffectual way to discipline children.
To be effective, it needs to be combined with other disciplinary measures, possibly several, as children get older, but this in turn makes it difficult for parents to be consistent in their discipline.
Timeouts and consequences require parents to be adaptive and reactive and on the balls of their feet all the time.
This is not a good foundation to consistent discipline.
Consistency is a cornerstone of good discipline as it teaches children their boundaries.
So what are your choices if you forgo timeouts? A more effective method is to return to more old fashioned methods of discipline.
The old fashioned methods of parenting worked because the focus was on bringing up children as a part of the family, community and society instead of making them feel like they were the centre of the universe.
It worked because discipline was consistently enforced without anger so children could absorb the correction and still view their parents with respect and a little healthy awe.
1) Parents can use smacking.
If you ignore the modern dogma about it, a smack on the hand delivered by a calm parent is still very effective as a discipline tool with small children.
It is the anger behind discipline which is damaging to children so parents should never smack when they are angry.
An effective smack is a correction, not a punishment so it should not sting for more than a few seconds and should always be administered in the first instance, rather than as a last resort.
2) If you have young children and are reluctant to smack, try Steven Biddulph's (Secrets of Happy Children) approach.
He suggests these steps: a) be clear in your own mind that your request is not open to debate.
It is a demand that you have a right to make.
b) make sure your child is looking at you and paying attention before you give instructions.
c) be clear with your child about what you want and make sure you get a 'yes' or 'no' answer.
d) repeat the command if necessary but do not enter into debate.
You are signalling to the child that you will persist in this without getting upset.
e) stay close until the job is done.
Afterwards, don't make a big fuss of it, just smile and say 'good'.
An interesting point is that timeouts are actually quite effective with the age group that people usually don't use them for - school age kids and teens.
When your teen gets a bit lippy, sending them to the most boring room room (ie.
the toilet) in the home to rethink their actions works a treat.
Older kids find it hard to stay angry or stubborn in an environment completely lacking in stimuli.
Whatever you choose to do, the basic principles of good discipline remain the same: a) always be calm (or appear to be calm) when disciplining children, b) choose only 1 or 2 disciplinary measures that you will always use, c) be consistent in what you do and how you do it, and d) never argue or reason with your children as it invariably leads to heated scenes that diminish your authority.
And, of courses, be loving and courteous to your children.
In the end, families are meant to be a comfort and a joy, not a battle zone.