Whining and Reactive Attachment Disorder - A Loving Solution!
Does your child persistently whine for whatever they want? Chances are that if your child has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) whining is commonplace.
This is one of the water tortures which can drive a parent up a wall.
Here is a perhaps exaggerated scenario.
"Mom, I want that _________ (fill in the blank!)" "No, not now.
" In a more plaintive tone, "Mom, I really do want it.
" "I said no.
" In an ever yet more irritating tone of voice, "But mommmmm.
" In a raised voice, "No!" Going further into whiny mode, "Mommmmm, that's not fair.
" Beginning to become tired of the whole thing, "I said no.
" Getting that you might give in, the whine is turned up another notch, "Mommmmm, pleeeeeeeze, pleeeeeeeze.
" With a sigh and note of irritation, "How many times do I have to say no.
" This can go on for a while until we get to the whiniest of the whine, "But mommmmmmy, I really really really really want it.
Puhleeeeze!!!" "Okay, Sweetums, I've had enough.
Go ahead.
You can have it.
" Sound at all familiar? I hope that scenario is such a caricature that it is exaggeration.
My fear is that exchanges just like that occur far too frequently.
Let's face it, sometimes it feels like it is never ending.
If it is not one thing, it will be something else.
And it goes on all day every day.
You are quite understandably exhausted and one more whine is more than you can take.
You don't feel that you have any choice.
Give in or give out.
It is such a relief to get the whining to stop that you will do just about anything.
Yes, it is true, you will get some relief.
For a while.
Until sweetums is ready to take you on again.
And the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
Your child has learned that whining works.
Unfortunately you have reinforced your child's inappropriate whining behavior every time you have given in.
Something has to be done differently.
And, no, I am not suggesting that you finish off the exchange yelling at your child and escalating the matter.
Let's pause for a moment and ask ourselves, "What good can you see in whining by a child?" It is helpful to figure out what is positive to enable us to try new approaches, to see that not everything about what your child does is bad, as irritating as it might be in the moment.
Have you come up with anything? Here are some possibilities.
The whining child, as we know from our little scenario, is persistent, has good acting ability, and can control voice tone.
Keep that in mind, know that your child is showing you some important talents which may be useful later in life if used appropriately.
Now, though, we want to look at an alternative scenario which may change things in your home.
Try this and see what happens.
Every time your child whines, instead of saying no, pay them off, not with what they want, but with what they need and you want.
It could look like this.
"Mom, I want _________ (fill in the blank!).
" "Not now.
" With a whine, "But mommmmm, puhleeeze.
" "Oh, sweetie, I hear your whine.
You need a nap.
" Or "Oh, sweetie, I hear the whine.
You need to rest in your room for five minutes.
" Or anything else you can think of that is similar.
You have done the following for yourself and your child:
You will teach your child with your quick action that they cannot get what they want by whining, that when they whine you get what you want! In the end you truly get what you want, namely more peace and happiness in your home.
So, what can your persistent, good acting child with control over voice tones do with those talents? Actor, story teller, cartoon voice over performer, and other similar careers might be in the offing.
Entrepreneurs require great persistence.
What is your experience with your whiner? What have you found that works? Have you tried the kind of solution proposed here? Please let me know by sending me an email.
I look forward to hearing from you.
This is one of the water tortures which can drive a parent up a wall.
Here is a perhaps exaggerated scenario.
"Mom, I want that _________ (fill in the blank!)" "No, not now.
" In a more plaintive tone, "Mom, I really do want it.
" "I said no.
" In an ever yet more irritating tone of voice, "But mommmmm.
" In a raised voice, "No!" Going further into whiny mode, "Mommmmm, that's not fair.
" Beginning to become tired of the whole thing, "I said no.
" Getting that you might give in, the whine is turned up another notch, "Mommmmm, pleeeeeeeze, pleeeeeeeze.
" With a sigh and note of irritation, "How many times do I have to say no.
" This can go on for a while until we get to the whiniest of the whine, "But mommmmmmy, I really really really really want it.
Puhleeeeze!!!" "Okay, Sweetums, I've had enough.
Go ahead.
You can have it.
" Sound at all familiar? I hope that scenario is such a caricature that it is exaggeration.
My fear is that exchanges just like that occur far too frequently.
Let's face it, sometimes it feels like it is never ending.
If it is not one thing, it will be something else.
And it goes on all day every day.
You are quite understandably exhausted and one more whine is more than you can take.
You don't feel that you have any choice.
Give in or give out.
It is such a relief to get the whining to stop that you will do just about anything.
Yes, it is true, you will get some relief.
For a while.
Until sweetums is ready to take you on again.
And the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
Your child has learned that whining works.
Unfortunately you have reinforced your child's inappropriate whining behavior every time you have given in.
Something has to be done differently.
And, no, I am not suggesting that you finish off the exchange yelling at your child and escalating the matter.
Let's pause for a moment and ask ourselves, "What good can you see in whining by a child?" It is helpful to figure out what is positive to enable us to try new approaches, to see that not everything about what your child does is bad, as irritating as it might be in the moment.
Have you come up with anything? Here are some possibilities.
The whining child, as we know from our little scenario, is persistent, has good acting ability, and can control voice tone.
Keep that in mind, know that your child is showing you some important talents which may be useful later in life if used appropriately.
Now, though, we want to look at an alternative scenario which may change things in your home.
Try this and see what happens.
Every time your child whines, instead of saying no, pay them off, not with what they want, but with what they need and you want.
It could look like this.
"Mom, I want _________ (fill in the blank!).
" "Not now.
" With a whine, "But mommmmm, puhleeeze.
" "Oh, sweetie, I hear your whine.
You need a nap.
" Or "Oh, sweetie, I hear the whine.
You need to rest in your room for five minutes.
" Or anything else you can think of that is similar.
You have done the following for yourself and your child:
- You kept the loving twinkle in your eyes.
- You remained calm and firm.
- You let your child know who is boss.
- Conversely, you did not let your child be in control.
- The situation never became intolerable for you.
You will teach your child with your quick action that they cannot get what they want by whining, that when they whine you get what you want! In the end you truly get what you want, namely more peace and happiness in your home.
So, what can your persistent, good acting child with control over voice tones do with those talents? Actor, story teller, cartoon voice over performer, and other similar careers might be in the offing.
Entrepreneurs require great persistence.
What is your experience with your whiner? What have you found that works? Have you tried the kind of solution proposed here? Please let me know by sending me an email.
I look forward to hearing from you.
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