In general conversation, match the level of volume and speed with your child's.
If he talks fast and acts excited, match those features.
If he speaks loudly, get loud.
If he speaks softly, get soft.
Matching his presentation manner tells your child's subconscious mind you are there with him.
He sees you pay attention to him and understand him.
You can change the speed and volume slowly and his will follow yours.
Have you ever met and instantly liked someone? Chances are they spoke like you in speed, volume and modality (visual--seeing, auditory--hearing or kinesthetic--touching, feeling).
Does your child ask, "Do you see what I mean?" "Do you hear what I am saying?" "Do you feel that way too?" When two people process the world the same way they connect easier and faster.
So act as if you are the way your child is being in the moment and you will understand him instantly.
Interestingly, if you assume the posture and facial expression as well as the breathing pattern of another person, I mean exactly, you will feel what they feel and see what they see.
That is why matching your child's state is so important.
That action lets you see his perspective, which may differ from yours.
If you have ever been the sales person or the customer who received bad customer service then you know before anyone will listen to any proposed solutions, that person must first stop being angry.
As internationally renowned trainer Blair Singer explains, "When emotions go up intelligence goes down.
" An angry or upset person fails to hear any words spoken to them except possibly an apology.
Likewise, if your child comes to you and seems upset, first of all, let her be upset.
Tell her something accurate like, "You feel really really angry! Something happened that got you very upset and right now you just want to feel upset and angry!" Let her express her anger.
She will likely move past that anger in a minute or two once you give her the attention she needs.
Assist her in dispelling her anger.
Then, and only then, ask how she wants to be listened to and respect her choice.
You diffused the crisis so now you can speak as you normally do.
Now she may be able to hear any explanations you have to offer-just ask permission first.
She may have a different agenda.
As a psychotherapist, I used to imitate a client's tight hunched over posture, then sit up straight and comfortably stretch out.
Spontaneously, my client uncurled from his depressed, slouching posture, sat up and brightened up.
I matched him and then he matched me.
I did those moves automatically and instinctively.
Then my professor pointed out to me what I was doing and I made sure to do the same intentionally -- if I failed to do so automatically.
People connect with someone who they deem to be like them.
And they follow that person without even realizing what they are doing.
In psychotherapy, we called it dancing with the client.
Dance with your child.