Relationship Stress #5 - How Do You Know When Your Relationship Has Failed?
Imagine this scenario.
You have been in a relationship for some time, you were happy at the beginning of the relationship, sex was great, there was lots of sharing but now the wheels have fallen off.
You seem to bicker with each other constantly, you seldom share outings together, your partner seems to be avoiding alone time with you, you go to bed unhappy, and your sex life has gone from bad to hopeless.
It is time to start evaluating where you are going.
I use a 27 point interview protocol to try to understand what is being done and what is being said.
Testing the Relationship This scale employs what is called the Likert methodology - a statement like "I'd begin to spend less time with our mutual friends" with a 6-point rating scale that the individual completes.
The scale has these descriptors: occasionally, very unlikely, unlikely, likely, very likely, very often.
My client is given these directions: A number of the typical things people do and say when breaking up with someone are shown on the scale below.
Given what we have discussed as a reason to break-up with your partner, please rate how likely you would do or say, or have done or said, each of these statements or actions.
When you have finished the rating scale, we will discuss the implications of your ratings.
This is part of an attempt to take emotions out of the picture and deal with recent or presumed behavior.
Sticks and Stones Might Break My Bones but Words can Never Hurt me? I have addressed the issue of what people might say in a previous article.
Typical comments from the aggrieved party include: what you did was unthinkable; I'm really sad that our relationship has become so disappointing to both of us; I don't think this is going to work out; perhaps we can work something out; you have hurt me deeply; you don't deserve my love; I'm not getting any younger - it is time for me to move on and find someone who will give me the love I deserve.
Some of these statements are a call for action; others are an effort to hurt the partner.
You get the picture - part of the purpose of some of the statements is to release emotionality through words - to get feelings out in the open.
This is natural, reasonable, and healthy.
A partner gets hurt, becomes disappointed, feels betrayed and so on and the partner wants the other person to know how they feel.
There are some overtures for trying to understand and rebuild the relationship and this is a healthy sign.
Often, people get caught up in the dizzy cycle of work, work, work and they forget what is most important in their lives.
A therapist can often help both parties re-evaluate their relationship and develop a plan to make the partnership work to everyone's satisfaction.
Is Avoidance the Solution? I also ask people to describe what they have done, or intend to do, if they feel the relationship has reached its used-by date.
The typical pattern is avoidance - avoiding being together, avoiding going out with mutual friends, avoiding being alone with each other, avoiding going to bed at the same time.
Sometimes the avoidance approach is just a cooling off period and a chance for one partner to work out what is going wrong; sometimes it is a signal of the beginning of the end.
If there isn't planned avoidance, people often engage in activities with other people - they play more golf, they hang out with friends at and after work, they go to bars alone, they seek other romantic company.
Sometimes it is direct confrontation in an attempt to get the problems aired and hopefully resolved.
So What is the Answer? I use this testing situation and the rating scale to try to reach the real purpose behind the failing relationship and to assess the extent of the relationship stress in subsequent discussions.
Another strategy I use if I have couples together for therapy is to have relationship statements on a rating scale and have each person rate the statements on an acetate (transparent) sheet.
Then I overlap the two sets of responses and we talk about the commonalities and differences.
Sometimes this comparison provides fertile ground to rebuild the relationship; sometimes on person has becomes so stressed that they have lost perspective.
Sometimes one of the parties simply needs a wake-up call When people have invested so much in a relationship - time, love, energy, material possessions, dreams - it is sad to see them drift apart because there has not been a chance to test the relationship and develop a new charter for their life journey.
Many failing relationships are recoverable with professional help and support.
If you are in the sort of situation I have described and your stress levels are escalating, engage in positive strategies to understand and repair the relationship.
This is not always easy but with knowledge and support you can rebuild that relationship - and perhaps make it even better than it was before!
You have been in a relationship for some time, you were happy at the beginning of the relationship, sex was great, there was lots of sharing but now the wheels have fallen off.
You seem to bicker with each other constantly, you seldom share outings together, your partner seems to be avoiding alone time with you, you go to bed unhappy, and your sex life has gone from bad to hopeless.
It is time to start evaluating where you are going.
I use a 27 point interview protocol to try to understand what is being done and what is being said.
Testing the Relationship This scale employs what is called the Likert methodology - a statement like "I'd begin to spend less time with our mutual friends" with a 6-point rating scale that the individual completes.
The scale has these descriptors: occasionally, very unlikely, unlikely, likely, very likely, very often.
My client is given these directions: A number of the typical things people do and say when breaking up with someone are shown on the scale below.
Given what we have discussed as a reason to break-up with your partner, please rate how likely you would do or say, or have done or said, each of these statements or actions.
When you have finished the rating scale, we will discuss the implications of your ratings.
This is part of an attempt to take emotions out of the picture and deal with recent or presumed behavior.
Sticks and Stones Might Break My Bones but Words can Never Hurt me? I have addressed the issue of what people might say in a previous article.
Typical comments from the aggrieved party include: what you did was unthinkable; I'm really sad that our relationship has become so disappointing to both of us; I don't think this is going to work out; perhaps we can work something out; you have hurt me deeply; you don't deserve my love; I'm not getting any younger - it is time for me to move on and find someone who will give me the love I deserve.
Some of these statements are a call for action; others are an effort to hurt the partner.
You get the picture - part of the purpose of some of the statements is to release emotionality through words - to get feelings out in the open.
This is natural, reasonable, and healthy.
A partner gets hurt, becomes disappointed, feels betrayed and so on and the partner wants the other person to know how they feel.
There are some overtures for trying to understand and rebuild the relationship and this is a healthy sign.
Often, people get caught up in the dizzy cycle of work, work, work and they forget what is most important in their lives.
A therapist can often help both parties re-evaluate their relationship and develop a plan to make the partnership work to everyone's satisfaction.
Is Avoidance the Solution? I also ask people to describe what they have done, or intend to do, if they feel the relationship has reached its used-by date.
The typical pattern is avoidance - avoiding being together, avoiding going out with mutual friends, avoiding being alone with each other, avoiding going to bed at the same time.
Sometimes the avoidance approach is just a cooling off period and a chance for one partner to work out what is going wrong; sometimes it is a signal of the beginning of the end.
If there isn't planned avoidance, people often engage in activities with other people - they play more golf, they hang out with friends at and after work, they go to bars alone, they seek other romantic company.
Sometimes it is direct confrontation in an attempt to get the problems aired and hopefully resolved.
So What is the Answer? I use this testing situation and the rating scale to try to reach the real purpose behind the failing relationship and to assess the extent of the relationship stress in subsequent discussions.
Another strategy I use if I have couples together for therapy is to have relationship statements on a rating scale and have each person rate the statements on an acetate (transparent) sheet.
Then I overlap the two sets of responses and we talk about the commonalities and differences.
Sometimes this comparison provides fertile ground to rebuild the relationship; sometimes on person has becomes so stressed that they have lost perspective.
Sometimes one of the parties simply needs a wake-up call When people have invested so much in a relationship - time, love, energy, material possessions, dreams - it is sad to see them drift apart because there has not been a chance to test the relationship and develop a new charter for their life journey.
Many failing relationships are recoverable with professional help and support.
If you are in the sort of situation I have described and your stress levels are escalating, engage in positive strategies to understand and repair the relationship.
This is not always easy but with knowledge and support you can rebuild that relationship - and perhaps make it even better than it was before!
Source...