An integral component of authenticity is honesty.
If we seek freedom for ourselves and our children through the attainment of authenticity, we should understand the concept of honesty.
Like other qualities that make up our character, our children learn honesty from us.
If we are honest, they will be honest.
If we lie, manipulate the truth, put spins on what's really happening, our children will learn this.
As adults, we tend to rationalize our lies.
We may say that truth is in the degree.
In other words, we may stretch the truth, tell a "white lie," or cover up an event.
We have learned this as response to a world that seems to limit what is possible.
We have learned that possibilities, things we wish to achieve, are contingent on manipulating circumstances.
We have learned that lying is enabling and part of the reality of life.
So we lie, we radiate dishonesty at certain times, and then we act surprised when our children lie.
A double standard exists for many parents between what they expect from their children and how they behave.
If we are to be authentic and self-responsible, we must look at our own behavior, our own language.
First, we must be honest with ourselves, fairly examining the example we set and the behaviors we exemplify.
If we truly wish to be a role model for our children, because we know this is primarily how they learn, then we should understand the behavior we are modeling.
Honestly appraising ourselves - without recrimination and judgment - allows us to create the conditions, to discover and create our own truth and achieve authenticity.
If we do lie, we may get caught in a lie - just as our children do - or others may be suspicious that we are lying, but can't prove it conclusively.
Their suspicion may be increased because at some other time they did catch us in a lie.
Suspicion goes to the issue of trust.
Any real relating between individuals - including parents and children - is based on trust.
Without a total commitment to honesty, a powerful, trusting relationship can't be created.
Without the example of honesty set by us, our children will not learn honesty.
If our children do not learn honesty, they of course will lie.
When our children lie, it increases our suspicion.
When we are suspicious of our children, our children will lie more in an attempt to appease our suspicion.
The process becomes cyclical.
In this cycle, the lies and suspicion may build on one another.
As parents, we may become angrier and more controlling, as we feel worried, hurt, and betrayed by the lies.
Our children become resentful of our continued suspicion, the negative messages they are getting about their character, and become pushed into escalating levels of deceit.
We can stop this cycle of lies, suspicion, and distrust by understanding that our own commitment to honesty will influence our children to become totally honest.
A popular way for some to describe children is that they are "manipulative.
" Manipulative implies that our children will act in devious, deceitful, and self-serving ways in order to get what they want.
While this may be true for some children, where and how did they learn this behavior? Are they fulfilling some kind of inherent manifest destiny, or are they modeling behavior? In other words, we may judge our children as being manipulative, without looking to our own lives for the example we set.
If we were to ask ourselves if we ever act in devious, deceitful, and self-serving ways, what would the answer be? Being honest is the polar extreme of manipulation.
If we worry about our children being manipulative, we should put our own efforts to embodying honesty.
Perhaps if we outgrow being manipulative, our children will as well.
Even if we are totally honest, children, particularly young children, may lie.
Young children may appear to be lying because they create fantasies as a normal developmental occurrence.
Children may also lie because of the influence of other children and adults.
If we continue to be honest and support our children in telling the truth, they will come over time to model our behavior.
However, we may need some patience for this to be realized.
Children will most often lie if they feel recrimination for telling the truth.
Truth and honesty should be valued above all actions.
In other words, whatever your children did that you perceive as wrong cannot be nearly as important as learning that they can trust you, the parent, by being able to tell you honestly what has happened.
Your children learn that you can be trusted, when they do not face recrimination for telling the truth.
As your children learn this, trust is created for all kinds of communication.
As your children learn that you are there to help, not criticize; to empower, not blame; to encourage honest expressions, not lies; then your children are safe to tell you what's going on in their lives.
They will open up to you and you to them.
A relationship based on honesty and trust frees individuals to express themselves on deeper levels.
The more our children express themselves on these deeper levels, the more we gain an understanding of their feelings and what is truly going on in their lives.
As we become more individually empowered to help them through our continuing efforts to embrace authenticity, we can use this deeper knowledge about their lives to help and empower them.
When my daughter Allison was a "tween" she would sometimes begin a conversation with, "I know you may not agree with this Dad, but...
" and proceed to tell me about something or someone in her life.
This something or someone could be a friend she is having problems with, an action she took, or something she said.
She may have said or done something hurtful when angry.
She knows that I always want to encourage kind and understanding responses, yet she also knows that I won't reprimand her for other responses.
In fact I will usually try first to understand and empathize with the hurt and pain that caused the response, then discuss her reaction in a non-judgmental way and suggest possible alternatives, if she desires to hear them.
I try not to preach or lecture and only make suggestions if she is interested, willing, and receptive.
In fact, I will often ask her first if she would like any advice or suggestions from me.
If she says no, I just listen.
I am not offended and let it drop.
Perhaps she has made up her mind, reached her own conclusions, and she should be given the opportunity to act independently and to potentially redirect herself.
The commitment to honesty can't reach halfway.
We can't separate our home life from our work life.
A commitment to honesty means we are committed in every aspect of our life.
Again, it is what we embody, what we radiate that is most influential; our convictions, what we truly know and believe speak the loudest.
Some people may believe that sometimes there is nothing else to do but lie.
Others may believe that telling a lie that appears to help people is an act of friendship or love.
I believe there is nothing of higher value than our own integrity, our commitment to embody certain principles.
Ultimately, without our integrity we help and serve no one.
What may appear as short-term gain is offset by long-term loss.
And what we lose is our collective ability to act honestly and truthfully in order to expand our mutual trustworthiness in the world.
Without mutual trustworthiness we remain fragmented and distant, losing the capacity to deepen and expand our connection to the people and world around us.
Ultimately, we never need to lie.
We can instead choose to remain silent.
Or, we can choose to express what we can without compromising the situation.
Or, we can choose to look for the good in a situation and focus our attention on that.
As we practice being totally honest we discover that we always can be.
I have found the commitment to honesty personally transformational.
I saw it in the corporate world - where people often think that in order to get ahead and play the game, lying is necessary - and I see it with my children and in my other personal relationships.
I have learned that most people have great respect for honest expressions, particularly when it is done without harshness, judgment, arrogance, and blame.
They respect your honesty, and they respect your humility and kindness.
And in turn, they begin to trust, open up to you, and respond in positive ways.
Rewards come because you are not only recognized and appreciated for what you do, but also how you do it and who you are.
Towards the end of my 14-year career in the corporate world, if I was in my office, coworkers would joke and say, "the doctor is in.
" They would come into my office and begin talking to me about all kinds of personal things, seeking my advice.
I enjoyed these opportunities to connect with the people around me on a deeper level.
I knew that the desire for others to talk to me was created by my commitment to honesty and building trust, while not being judgmental.
People felt safe.
Anyone who worked with me came to know that I wouldn't lie and I would express my opinions - if asked - honestly but not hurtfully.
Our children can know this too.
And they will know this when we as parents make a commitment to honesty, when they know and believe that telling a lie is something we won't do.