When children misbehave, our gut reaction is to do whatever we can to stop it and stop it fast! There are three big problems with this approach:

1. Misbehavior is only a symptomof a deeper core issue that the child is expressing in a negative way.
   Ifyou only try to stop the misbehavior but don't identify or resolve thecore issue, that misbehavior will continue or another one will crop up,until the core issue is resolved.
   
2. Reactions will alwayseither escalate the situation or give an accidental payoff which willcause the misbehavior to continue.
   (I rarely say "always" or "never" butit fits here, so take notice!)
3. Reactions always focus on thenegative behavior whereas "responses" focus on the core issue and teachingthe child how to resolve or meet that core issue through positivebehavior.
   

To respond effectively to misbehavior, take these two steps:   Step 1.
First, stop and ask yourself why is the child misbehaving? Now you would think there are probably a gazillion reasons why children misbehave...
but if you ask 3 questions that are part of the "Universal Blueprint Parenting Success Formula"you will see that every misbehavior will fit into one of 5 categories.
  All Misbehavior is a "Parent problem" because it involves inappropriate behavior.
So the easy-to-remember symbol for all 5 categories of misbehavior is P (for Parent).

• PU = Parent problem involvingUnintentional misbehavior:The parent has a problem with misbehavior that results from the child'slack of skills.
  This could be due to the child's age or developmentalstage, personality trait or temperament, a medical condition or lack ofknowledge.
  (From Early Childhood S.
  T.
  E.
  P.
  )
• PO= Parent problem involving "On purpose" misbehavior: The parent has aproblem with misbehavior that seems intentional, to serve a purpose.
  

The root of all misbehavior is discouragement.
Children become discouraged that their positive behavior didn't meet their goal, so they resort to negative behavior.
  There are four types of PO misbehavior (based on Rudolf Dreikurs "Four Goals of Misbehavior") :

• POfor Attention.
  
• POfor Power.
  
• POfor Revenge.
  
• POfor Giving up.
  

 One behavior can serve more than one PO goal, such as running away or not talking.
To identify which of these four goals a particular misbehavior is serving at that second in time, ask yourself two more questions: Question One: How do you feel when you see that behavior?All "PO" misbehavior can make you feel "PO'd" but look for the feeling that comes before your anger.
This is the feeling that will differ for each goal.
If we feel:

• annoyed, irritated, tired, orhounded, then the goal is attention.
  
• others are challenging ourauthority,then the goal is power.
  
• hurt, shocked, or disgusted,then the goal is revenge.
  
• frustrated, discouraged, orhopeless, then the goal is giving up.
  

Question Two: What am I tempted to do? You will usually feel like reacting in one of two extreme ways.
One extreme will escalates the situation.
The other will give a payoff.
You want to avoid both.
If we are tempted to:

• remind, nag, and push away,then the goal is attention.
  
• argue, punish, or give in,then the goal is power.
  
• show hurt or hurt back,then the goal is revenge.
  
• rescue, pressure, criticize,praise, or expect less,then the goal is giving up.
  Step 2: Redirect the misbehavior byshowing the child how to meet that goal through positive behavior.
  If thepurpose is...
  

1. PU = Parent problem involvingUnintentional misbehavior:The child hasn't mastered the skills, so you want to teach the skills.
   b.
   Even if you've "told them a million times," children might "know better"but that doesn't mean they've mastered the skills to actually act better.
   Some behaviors can take awhile to consistently remember and do until theyare a habit.
   That doesn't mean you excuse the behavior, but you want to besure you teach or reinforce skills before or during discipline.
   
2. PO= Parent problem involving "On purpose" misbehavior:Figure out what the child is getting from the misbehavior (Step 1)and tell/show the child how to meet that purpose in a positive way.
   

• POfor Attention: You will feel irritated and annoyed, like your personalspace is being violated.
  You will be tempted to either tell the child togo away or try to ignore it.
  Every time you stop to remind the child, youare giving the child a payoff.
  Although most experts will tell you toignore attention-seeking behavior, if you've tried doing that you know itdoesn't work.
  That's because the child has to know what to do, instead,before ignoring will work.
  To redirect attention-seeking behavior, you want to:i.
  Involve the child in a meaningful activity.
  ii.
  Then ignore the negative behavior, but not the child.
  
• POfor Power: You will feel your authority is being challenged.
  You willbe tempted to argue and put down your foot...
  which will escalate thesituation...
  or give in...
  which gives a payoff.
  So to redirect this goal:i.
  Offer choices within your bottom line limits.
  ii.
  Then disengage physically or emotionally.
  
• POfor Revenge: The root of all revenge is hurt.
  So, if the goal isrevenge, you will feel hurt, and you will be tempted to hurt the child,physically or emotionally...
  which will escalate the situation...
  or showyour hurt...
  which gives the child a payoff...
  they wanted to hurt you andyou just confirmed that they succeeded.
  So, when someone does something revengeful to you,you must first:i.
  Resolve their hurt first, thenii.
  Teach the child how to express their hurt appropriately.
  This is probably the toughest misbehavior to address, because you feelhurt! You must remember, though, that you are the grown-up.
  You do nothave to allow the child's behavior to hurt you.
  If you only address yourhurt, you're not resolving the core issue, which is their hurt.
  You willget your turn to express and resolve your hurt, but the problem won't goaway until their hurt is resolved.
  So the order of your response steps isimportant.
  
• PO for Giving up: Ofthe four types of PO misbehavior, thechild who is giving up is the most discouraged.
  So, if the goal is givingup, You will feel discouraged, hopeless and helpless.
  You will be temptedto try to motivate the child with praise...
  which escalates the situationbecause praise actually makes the child feel under pressure to perform.
  The other extreme reaction is to give up on the child and agree they areinadequate! That may sound preposterous, but when we say things like,"Well maybe you just aren't good in sports," it confirms theirinsecurities.
  So to redirect this goal:i.
  Acknowledge the child's feelings,ii.
  When children are giving up, they are deeply dis-couraged...
  so insteadof giving praise, give encouragement (not praise) (If you don't know thedifference, read the article listed below)iii.
  If the situation involves the child having difficulty with learning atask or skill, you can also teach skills.
  

  Additional Points to Remember

1. When in doubt, assume themisbehavior is PU (Parent problem involving Unintentional misbehavior) andteach skills.
   If you are wrong, the child will go out of his/her way toshow their behavior is deliberate, which is the key word in identifying PO behavior.
   
2. PU behavior can turn into PO behavior if we react to it.
   
3. One behavior can serve morethan one purpose, but not simultaneously.
   (See my article on"Tantrums" listed below.
   )
4. The purpose behindmisbehavior can shift from one second to the next.
   You'll feel the change.
   Ask Q2 & Q3 again and proceed accordingly.
   
5. If we don't redirectmisbehavior before we discipline, it turns the discipline into punishmentand won't work as effectively.
   

As long as this article is, it really doesn't do this subject justice.
You probably have some questions.
So rather than using trial and error to put out fires, learn more about this system for effectively responding to misbehavior each time in a way that stops it permanently.
Just check out the following resources.