Instead of getting irritated with someone who tries to control you, try to understand the fear that motivates that person's behaviour.
If you can soothe those fears, the control will diminish.
Yet you may have to rely on your own insight and intuition, because controllers seldom know the fears that motivate them.
In fact, if you asked what they were afraid of, they would probably say, "Nothing.
" But when you discover the fear that drives them, you'll be able to respond with compassion instead of with your own fear or anger.
I found the following quote in a recent relationship editorial to be quite interesting: "Defensiveness and anger tend to increase the fear of controllers, making them even more controlling.
" Let's face it, that's often a sure-fire formula for a power struggle.
So what do you do? An effective recourse is to master your reaction to their behaviour.
Understanding, compassion and self-control are the abilities needed to deal effectively with controlling people.
The more I thought about it, the more sense this thought made.
Yes you might feel compassion for the 'controller-type" person at the office or for a partner that tries to control you in some arena of your living together.
However, when you think about "control" the money arena, you might ask yourself different questions.
For example: Questions to ask yourself about money and marriage Ø How often in your marriage did fear control you? Ø How often did you let your husband control you, by your trying to be compassionate? Ø Did you use the compassionate excuse to avoid having to deal with issues around money? Ø Do you feel that you were compassionate - good job, but now you are not so sure it was the healthy route to take.
Do you have a good handle on your finances today? In a relationship, money shouldn't be about power and control.
But for many, it's used as a bargaining tool.
My observation is that many women, still today, are somewhat uncomfortable talking about money and investing, at least when compared to the "'locker room" money talk that men do.
So in our marriages, this lack of knowledge or communication tools, leaves us awkward and unsure about discussing money management.
In separation, divorce and widowhood, this challenge is compounded even more.
Even talking to professionals - lawyers, accountants, financial planners-makes us uncomfortable.
We assume that if we pay the right people, they'll make our interests important.
Reality check: it's like bringing your car to a garage: the more informed you are and better you can describe the problem to the mechanic, the better service you'll receive.
Ignorance is not bliss.
The confident shall inherit the earth.
And more.
Today it's important to understand not just money, but some of the ways to invest it.
After all, you're the controller here.
You need to direct your resource team, not as someone with the expertise of a financial professional, but as someone who has the confidence to trust her judgment.
And decisions.
And worthiness.
Worthiness and money make for an interesting pairing.
Have you ever thought about the two together? Just as this started off discussing how to manage a controller, we need to begin to uncover how our issues of "worthiness" can impair our money management and judgment.